I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
ugly people sure do ruin things
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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