The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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