His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
