Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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