Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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