The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
