the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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