and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
