I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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