I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
