i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
