It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
