Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
