I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
