I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Drunk is not a location!
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
