I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
