ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
