The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
