Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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