im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
