I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
