dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
