alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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