I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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