a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
