Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
