Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
