Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
