fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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