just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
