Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
