I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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