I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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