Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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