Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
