the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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