Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
