I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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