i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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