I faked an abortion last night.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
