If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
