Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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