Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
