roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
