If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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