cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You left your phone here
Wait...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
