when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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