Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
