I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
