Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
