I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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